My Final Post

Speak Up

I believe that in life you lose when you hold back. I believe that when you don’t speak up and state how you feel then you’re missing out on something that could change the rest of your life. Why is it that most people are so scared to state what their heart or mind feels? I admit I am guilty of holding back in my life but I also can admit that those times are some of my biggest regrets now. If only I could have realized in those moments that speaking up could have changed so much in my life. Life is for living and learning, but you’ll never learn if you are silent and merely existing.

Have you ever been sitting in a math class and the teacher starts talking about equations and there are more letters in it then there are in the entire alphabet? All you do is sit there and nod your head but all the while you’re freaking out inside. You never get the courage to ask what any of it means because it seems like everyone else understands exactly what the teacher is saying. Then you get home to start the brutal homework and you’re completely stuck, because you never asked for help or spoke up. I have always been that way especially in math classes and my grades reflected that true.

A few years ago I fell head over heels for my best friend, I never once told anyone. I tried to hide my feelings for fear of rejection. I also tried to make him jealous so that maybe he would be the one to open up and say something. I know why I didn’t say anything and it was fear of two things happening, rejection and ruining a friendship. Recently I was talking to him and it somehow came up, and I completely admitted how I had felt about him. And the most heartbreaking part of it all was that he felt the same way. Neither of us could speak up though for fear of something bad happening, but rejection would have felt better then knowing what I know now; we could have had a relationship.

I am a very stubborn person; I rarely will admit that I’m wrong and even more rarely do I even think I’m wrong. I have such a hard time stepping forward and saying sorry first, especially because 99% of the time I still think the other person is in the wrong. I will hold back until I can’t stand not having that person in my life anymore. But I do regret a lot of the friendships I’ve let go because I can’t just suck it up and say I’m sorry. Life is too short to spend any time mad at someone for silly reasons and stupid fights.

Let someone know that you love them, always say I love you before you leave someone’s presence, tell the people in your life just how important they are to you, do not be scared of love and sharing your emotions, ask questions if you’re confused and most of all don’t hold back because later in your life that will be what you regret. If I could go back in my life the only things I would change is when I didn’t say how I felt in the moment. Simply put follow your heart and share how you feel.

*After writing this essay I realized how much I needed to follow my own advice more because I was starting to slack. I texted the best friend whom I fell for and told him just how much I missed him. We ended up having a talk about us and what should have been.
We’re both frustrated with ourselves for not saying anything when we had to chance, that proves this essay true. Speak up.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

Oh to be a kid again..

I love winter. I love being a kid again. Tuesday night the snow started falling and I was itching to go outside! So we got some friends together to go sledding. Now normally sledding wouldn't be so exciting but we have a different version of sledding. Tyler and his family have a suberban, we hooked up two ropes to it for saucers, and then a regular sled was connected to it as well. Three of us hopped on the sleds and took off with the suberban pulling us. Of course Tyler's little and crazy brother was driving so it wasn't just a simple ride behind it, we were flying around corners, swerving, and almost running into multiple objects. I never get the chance to let loose and be a kid again these days so it was needed! I was the only girl and that helped me to not be a chicken about anything! There were multiple times where I almost slammed into signs or the suberban itself, and there were too many times where I got slammed into the other person next to me. But all in all my night before the snow day was amazing! I know it's illegal but when you live in a small town stuff like that must happen. After we went sledding for about two hours we went back to Tyler and Sean's and changed out of our soaking wet clothes. Some more people came over and we decided the adventure just couldn't end, especially because we found out all schools were cancelled for the next day! So we bundled up again and walked across town to a main road where we were going to throw snow balls at cars. It was the longest walk of my entire life, first off I could barely move because I had so many clothes on, second my boots were too big, and none of the roads were plowed. But the guys made it fun. So we started making snow balls and there were hardly any cars that went by, but we got a couple. Then we threw some at this all silver, tinted windows, and lowered car; he stopped his car and got out! Three of the guys took off, but of course Tyler, Sean and myself stood up to the guy and that probably wasn't the best idea. He called the cops and we spent an hour hiding from the local sheriff. We then split into twos and decided to head home. We met up at the gas station in town and walked back together. We were all exhausted after the long walk/run. Tyler and Sean's dad decided everyone was going to stay over because no one was going to make it up their drive way. So we all headed down stairs and watched family guy and passed out. When I woke up the next morning I couldn't even see my car! It was totally covered! But thankfully the guys dug me out. All in all, I just down right love winter. I hope we get more snow soon!

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Dinning Etiquette..From A Servers Point Of View

I recently began serving at Ciatti's where I've held a job for about a year and a half. When I hosted there all the servers would complain to me about the crappy people they would have to serve on whether they were picky or bad tipers, I heard a number of complaints. I always thought they were over exaggerating and being ridiculous, turns out I was wrong. I understand when people eat out they expect to get exceptional service and I totally agree with them but that doesn't give people the right to be rude, over needy, or stingy with tipping. I'm fed up with people and maybe it's because I'm working too much but regaurdless I think people are taking advantage of servers. There are many points I have to make about being polite when you are dinning out. First of all if you already know you are picky maybe make a joke to lighten the mood and even say flat out that you tend to be kind of picky, it really would help. Another thing, if you are needy and constantly think of things you want, maybe wait till you've got about four or five things thought up and then let the server know so they aren't running back and forth back and forth and so on. Also, if you have a drink that requires special making do not speak super fast and assume I know exactly what you said. If you want a brandi up with sweet a tad bit sour an olive a splash of sprite and on the rocks say it sloooower so I don't mess up! But my biggest pet peave of them all is the tipping in this world, 10% is not acceptable! Unless of course the service was poor. 15 can be acceptable if there are no bar sales, but really 20 is the new 10. It is soo aggrivating to wait on someone hand and foot and do everything for them and then they only leave you two bucks, it's simply a slap in the face. It's just common curtosy, we are serving to you so be understanding. I promise things will work better.

Well I love the snow, I simply am at peace.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Life, Simply Put

I'm just going through the stages and living my life. I've been super stressed out lately but I'm still trying to enjoy life as much as I can. I have recently been working full time since I started serving and it sure is taking it's toll on me. I am exhausted every day and I rarely ever get a full day off. I'm lucky if I get one day without work. This last weekend I did enjoy a Sunday off. I went to the Viking vs. Lions game. Well let me tell you, I never thought I would see the day where I was in purple and yellow. I was raised a Packer fan and I turned into an Eagles fan for personal reasons, regardless I have always been a Vikqueen-hater. But because of the guy I've been seeing (or whatever you call it these days) for the past year or so I've grown to accept them. I bought him tickets for the game, I know lucky guy, but I had to tag along. I actually had a great time. I think I enjoyed the ride home the most though; we sang our hearts out and laughed hysterically. It's moments like that in life that make me really treasure who I have and what I'm given.

In my last post I talked about my favorite little guy Logan, well I am just so excited because I get to babysit him more in the upcoming weeks. I love getting time with him. This week when I was watching him he put his 'knuck' in all on his own! I started laughing and clapping because I was so excited! I know it's the little things but really it made me so happy. I just really want the best for him.

I can not wait for snow! I know you all want to hit me for saying that, but really I looove Winter! I love all the activities that come with it too! And of course Christmas, my favorite holiday. I am in love with the scenery during winter, everything is so peaceful. There is always something to do during the lovely season too. I especially can't wait to go snowmobiling. One thing I'm not looking forward to is the busy season at work. We always get so slammed during the holidays. It's already starting to pick up and it will be this way till Valentines day. It never really dies down till the end of April, and beginning of June but then it's graduation time so we pick right back up. I tell ya the restaurant business is always chaotic. But anyways, I just simply can't wait for that first big snow fall!

Another thing I can't wait for is getting my braces off! I feel silly being in college and having them. But hopefully on December 27th they will tell me I can come in in two weeks or so and get them taken off! Please, cross your fingers for me!

I hope all is well in your life.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

life can be so unfair..

I know, life isn't fair, it never is, deal with it, live with it, move on. But some things are just so ming boggling that it's hard to comprehend why they happen. I know most people say that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I find that hard to believe. It does not put any ease on situations though knowing that something bad is happening for a reason. And why does everyone say the bad things happen to the good people? For one bad stuff is happening all over the world to good and bad people. Second why would bad things be thrown at good people? I know it tests your strengths and helps you grow but maybe life should just be easy going and full of love and happiness.

This little boy right here is the reason for my post. This amazing joyful little guy is facing a battle he doesn't even understand. He can't speak or walk yet, he is only 6 months old. He is Tyler's nephew and almost like my own. Logan was diagnosed with muscualr dystrophy yesterday. This little boy is going to face a battle and once he begins to understand the extent of this disease all he will be able to do is ask why? Right now all his family and friends are just simply asking why? He has been struggling to hold his head up on his own which shouldn't be an issue, and he can barely sit up on his own. The signs were there that something was wrong but no one ever thought it would be something so bad or so extreme. Now I know that you can live with MD but life just isn't the same or as fulfilling. When chlidren, especially babies, are diagnosed with MD it tends to be a more severe case. I don't know how to feel about this whole situation other then helpless. I love him no less then I did before. It's so hard to watch a family go through something like this. All you want to do is make it better but there really is no way other then to be that support they may need when things get rough. His parents just got married this last weekend, one of the happiest weekends of their life, and days later they recieve the news. It's just heart renching. I don't get why things like this happen, I don't get how, and I don't agree with it.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Slower Traffic Keep Right!

Some would say I have road rage and others would simply agree that I just know how to drive and how others need to drive. Lately I feel like people have gotten so much worse at driving. Maybe they are trying to be more cautious, but I just think they're idiots! The speed limit is there for a reason, not for you to go under it. Blinkers are on your vehicle to signal which direction you're turning when you put your breaks on. If you put your breaks on and you're not turning or stopping at a stop light or a yellow/red light, you are an idiot! I get so frustrated about all of this because it makes everyone around the idiot drive like one too. If you are not comfortable following simple rules such as the speed limit or using your blinker then maybe you need to get off the road and start taking the bus. I understand that people can have a fear of driving but then doesn't that just endanger all of us if they are scared to be on the road? Why can't people maintain their speed? Is it that difficult to stay at the same mph? I guess I'm just frustrated with the fact that everyone should know how to drive yet they simply just don't.

Common curtisy is lost in driving. Don't people understand they should not pull out in front of you, especially if you are driving over 35 mph? Also why do people insist on cutting others off!? Just wait a few seconds when the timing is right so you will not possibly cause an accident. People who can't multi task shouldn't talk on their phones while they're driving either. I know that you're not supposed to talk on your phone when you drive anyways but some people can pull it off. Also why does it take people so long to turn?! It does not take a whole minute to make a good turn.

Well on a positive note life is going well for me. Serving has been wonderful and very entertaining at that. This weekend I am getting together with a few old friends and I can't wait to catch up and just have a good time. Also I'll be attending a wedding and I just love weddings. I will be meeting all of Tyler's family and that's pretty nerve racking, but I'm looking forward to it. Work will be occupying most of my time though this weekend and the following week. I need the money so I shouldn't complain but of course I can't help but miss the days when I only had 4 shifts the entire week. Overall I've been breathing easy lately.

Really? It's almost November..?

How is it that the older I get the faster my life seems to move? I can not believe October is almost over. Soon it'll be the new year and we'll be in shock that we've gone through yet another year. I can remember all the way back in third grade when I was standing outside my elementary school with my aunt, who was an aid at the school, talking about how I was going to graduate in 9 years and I kept saying how it would never come fast enough; funny thing is it's here and gone and it happened in the blink of an eye just as my aunt said it would. When you're a kid being a grown up seems like it's forever away and you can't wait to get to that point in life. Of course all adults say to just take your time and enjoy the ride it will come too soon, and they are right in every way. I would give anything to go back to days with recess and snack time, man those were the days. I am in total shock that Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which then means Christmas will be here as well. I live for holidays, I love them in every way. I am really big on spending time with family and truly just living in the moment and for your happiness. I find myself very relaxed, calm, at ease and happy with the world when it's a holiday and I have nothing to worry about but my family. I will be going to Chicago this year to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom's side of the family, and I can not wait; but of course I should wait and enjoy my time till it gets here, ha. But really I haven't seen them in so long I feel like and I really enjoy my time with them, plus I am in love with Chicago. I also love car rides with my mom, we have this ritual where we stop at McDoanalds in Holmen and get dinner, then we drive while I pick the CD's, and we have life talks. We have the types of talks where I'm nearly jumping out of my seat to prove a point or out of excitement. We stop 3 to 4 times to go to the restroom and get snacks. We probably have the most fun on long car rides. My cousins are all growing up so fast, life is just too fast for my taste. I think this time of year just starts my amazing holiday mood! I also have many things leading up to Thanksgiving weekend to look forward to, my ex but not so ex boyfriends sister is getting married, I am going to an NFL football game it'll be my first one ever, and Halloween. This post is all over the place and that's just the way my mind has been lately. I can't keep a thought for a minute.

I just started serving at Ciatti's and although I've only had one shift on my own I am already more stressed than before. This weekend work will consume my life, I work Friday night and a double on Saturday and Sunday. It's just a lot to think about and it's taking up a lot of my time. If I end up not liking serving I'm going to have to get a second job elsewhere which actually doesn't bother me, change at this point would be nice. I do love where I work and I love most everyone there but having two positions there, hosting and serving, just might be too much Ciatti's to handle. I suppose i'll just wait and see and hope it all works out.

Well my mind simply needs a rest and I am hoping to fall asleep before 6 AM. My sleeping habits are horrible due to my racing mind. Anyone have any suggestions? I've heard of getting super cold right before you plan on getting in bed, reading a book, obviously a sleeping pill, and concentrating on breathing..none work for me!

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry & curse at the wind, he broke his own heart

I am having an awfully hard time these days not having my father around. I recently went to a wedding and the bride didn't have contact with her dad so her mother walked her down the isle and her son gave her away at the end. I don't have a dad to walk me down the isle, I don't have one to have the father daughter dance with, and I just simply don't have one to hold my hand when I'm weak anymore. I think about it a lot, and sometimes I cry about it a lot. I think more about the future and how my children will only know their father's dad, they will only have one grandpa. How do I explain to them that Grandpa Lawrence just isn't a safe or good man to be around? How will I look at them and say Grandpa was a very horrible man and he hurt Grandma, Uncle John, and me very badly? I want him to be there in my life, more than anything. But I also don't want to be hurt countless times like I have been in the past. There are so many things that make my dad cross my mind. Sometimes a memory jumps out at me from no where and it really hurts me. It can be as simple as remembering how me and my dad used to be, activities we used to do, movies we would watch, a favorite beer of his, or maybe even a t-shirt. Some memories have a bigger impact on me though than others. I remember the first time I found his pipe used for smoking illegal drugs from. I told my mom I found something and I have never seen her cry so hard or openly in front of me as I had that day, I was 9 years old. I didn't understand what it was exactly that I had found but I figured if it made my mom cry that hard it couldn't be good at all. I became a snoop, I would look through his stuff every chance I got so I could go to my mom and learn what it was I was finding. I was desperately searching for the answers as to why my parents got divorced, I was hoping to find out that I wasn't the reason. At the age of 10 I then put more pieces to this crazy puzzle together; I went to my mom and with tears in my eyes I asked her to please tell me if dad had cheated on her. I remembered it, I remember going to the woman's house, I remember playing with her little girls who were my best friends, I remember them leaving us and going off on their own. When I was that little I thought that's what adults did, later I realized that's not what two 'friends' do when they are married to someone else. At that point my world had turned upside down and I didn't know what to do with myself. I never wanted to see my dad again but because my parents had joint custody of me because of the divorce I had to see him, by law. Even though I knew all the bad things I had to see him. I started to run away from his house, I would take my bike and just peddle my heart out and get to my mom's as fast as I possibly could. I would collapse into her arms and beg her to keep me and never let me go back. She would then have to call my dad, who didn't notice I was gone, and tell him that I was with her; that I ran away from him. I discovered so many things, things I would never expect a father to do. Over the years the pieces kept falling together. Memories of what he would do sometimes jump back into my mind out of no where. This summer I actually had a dream of a memory; when my parents separated my dad moved out and my mom kept the house, one day my dad showed up at my mom's and asked if he could take me to the park near by, he just wanted to see me for a little bit. So we biked over to the park and I played, because that's what little kids do they forget what's going on in the real world when there is a whole playground in front of them. My dad sat there and watched and would smile at me but at one point I turned to see what he was doing and he was crying, he was actually sobbing his eyes out. I went over to him and hugged him, because he was my daddy and daddy's don't cry. He kept saying things that at the time made no sense to a 7 year old. But now when they play through my mind I get the chills all over. "Manda I love you, I'm so sorry I did this, I'm sorry I put your mom through this, some day you'll understand, someday you'll get it, I don't know why I did it, I love you, I love your mom, I am so sorry Manda." At the time I thought 'it' was just them getting a divorce, later to find out it was the cheating, drugs and alcohol consumption that tore them apart.

This entire situation has shaped my entire life. It has made me weak and yet so strong. I do lack trust when it's needed but I can't help that. I can't just throw my heart out there to anyone because my dad, the man who is supposed to be there for me, betrayed me and my mom more then anyone has yet to do. I love the man I thought he was. I love the man who would watch packer games with me, and Disney movies. The man who would take me to really neat parks and hiking trails. The man who held me when I cried my eyes out, because that's what dad's do. I love that man that he could be. But the man he truly is, I hate. When people ask about my dad I simply say, I don't have one. They always think right away he must have died and in a way they are totally correct in that thought, he is killing himself slowly. And in my heart he is dead because I do not know the man he is, and the man he was to me is a lie and a fake. I have a mother who has undoubtedly been there for me in every step of my life, I would not trade my life for anyone else's.

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

Family

In my life family has never been stable, they always seem to leave, and they always fight about everything. My mom is my constant but with this whole marriage thing she doesn't seem to really be there anymore. So all in all I have a very empty feeling in my heart.

I was at my friend Tyler's house, who I dated for 7 months but it's been an on and off thing for over a year now, and I was talking to him and his brother about the whole situation and how I'm so beat up from it. I mentioned how I have no family around here really other than my mom and his brother looks at me and says while pointing all around his house, "that's not really true." I stopped in thought, I stopped feeling sad, and I realized how true that was. Their family has become my own. Now when I keep thinking about this it nearly brings me to tears. I know I'm so close to them but I guess it never hit me just how close they also felt to me. I love this family like I have loved my own. I know I can always count on any of them. They have welcomed me with open arms. I shouldn't be scared of my mom leaving because I know that I do have people around me that love me but I still struggle because she has been my only one. But I will be okay, I have them, I can get through this.

I keep thinking about family now, and I've done this before, but what is family? How do you define family? I suppose I have a rather large family really. Most of my close friends could be considered family, and even some of my co-workers. There are people who have been with me through so much and stuck right by my side..longer then any of my other true blood family. Family is who you make it, and who makes you, you. I have many people I could go to in an instant and I know they would be there for me. Maybe family isn't supposed to be who is in your blood line, maybe they just get you started in life and help build you..maybe your real family comes together once life starts falling apart; it's who is there for you at the end of every day.

Family may be defined different to me if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce but obviously that happened and it changed my life. Things were revealed about everyone and who they truly were. It has destroyed so much of me going through it. But I suppose over all it has really made me a better and stronger person. There are times when I hate my parents for getting a divorce because I don't know what a normal family setting is like; but I do realize if my mom stayed with a man who cheated on her in the end we would all be more hurt from it.

I enjoy the family I have, the family that has become mine without being blood related, the family who has just always been there for me.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

One Step At A Time

Life should be lived one day at a time; one moment at a time. You should cherish the day you are given and only focus on the present. But as most of us know that is sometimes near impossible. I do my very best to try and make it through each day without worrying about the next, or even worrying about the far future. I can't help but fear what the future holds for me. How do I know that everything will work out? I realize it will, but sometimes I doubt. All I do is worry, constantly. I lay awake worrying and it really messes with my attempted sleep pattern.

Right now I have a huge fear, a really big burden that is constantly weighing on me. I have stated before that my mom is engaged to an interesting man..one who I do not approve of. He is horrible to me and she is blind to it. She doesn't see how he treats me or she just chooses not to see it. I've sat through a dinner with him, my mom, and my boyfriend at the time and it took all of my entire might to not walk out or burst into tears at the table. I walked out of the restaurant and immediately burst into tears with hurt and betrayal. He sat there and picked me apart, I was always wrong in everything I said, in everything I believed, and in everything I wanted for myself. I was always wrong no matter what I said. I'm only a kid I have every right to be wrong and to have my own beliefs. But the whole part I'm struggling with is that she will be moving to the Chicago area, which is the farthest distance I will have ever lived from my mom, my best friend. I do not have a dad in my life, my brother lives in Arizona, and my other family that I'm close with lives farther away. I will be here, alone. I realize I have friends here but friends are never perminant, life happens, fights happen. I have always had my mom, we have faced some of the most challenging things in life but it's always been together. She has made me the person I am today, she is my shoulder and my hand to hold. How can I live with her 3+ hours away? I understand she is in love..but it's not fair. We have always said we would live very close to each other our whole life, she has promised she would never put me through what my dad did. My dad would pick women over me and neglect me. She is now doing that, picking a man over me. I worry myself sick over all of this. I try to take it one step at a time and focus on right now and the fact that she is still here, but I can't help but think that soon she wont be. Growing up with a single mother had it's struggles but she is one of the strongest people I know. I'm going to miss my mom.

I worry about the future with school too. I'm tempted to go to Southeast Tech next year in Winona for a change and to get me out of this area so I'm not so dependant on it. Also Winona is my primary choice at the moment once I finish my generals at a tech school. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I pick the wrong school or the wrong major? I know what ifs will get you no where in life but I can't help but to think of them, it's just how I function. I am leaning towards Southeast to challenge myself because I know I need that. I tend to make the best and somtimes the worst decisions if I don't think and I just act on instinct.

Today has been one of those days where life has simply told me, you suck. I have done numerous things where i simply stop everything and go why! I have dropped tons, I have forgetten so much, I went to class when it was cancelled, I tripped so many times, and I have simply just been a mess. But it's days like this where I really must keep a strong head on my shoulders and keep pushing, it's going to get better. I have people here for me to help me laugh at my days like this. Actually I have grown very close to people I work with and they seem to help me more and more these days. Yesterday I was training to serve and I dropped a club soda on a man, he was a real jerk about it and I lost it a bit; the kitchen guys really helped me out, just by talking and making me laugh. Sometimes I don't think people realize how much they can help someone out just by talking to them. These people help me slow life down and take it moment by moment. I can stop and just take life in as it comes. I wish I always had them with me.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

A Roller Coaster Ride

Life has always been a roller coaster ride; the ups, the downs, the sharp corners when you think you're going to fly off track, the drops that make your stomach turn and your eyes water, the moments where you are totally upside down and helplessly hanging there, and the thrill of climbing up slowly but surely making it to the top.

After graduating, moving out, and starting college life has been like a brand new roller coaster; one that I didn't get to look at before I got on it. Every turn is unknown, and I'm unsure of every fall that I'm going to be taking. I don't know when I will get to the top of the hill and then suddenly start dropping and falling. But I also can't predict when I will start to rise again, I never know when things will start looking up.

Since I have graduated I feel like there have been more falls than rises. My mom is engaged to one of the most absurd men I have ever met in my life. He is heartless towards me and believes that because I am 18 years old I no longer need my mom because I'm an 'adult'. He has turned my world upside down and its as if something went wrong with the roller coaster and I'm now stuck hanging there and I'm helpless. My brother has moved to Arizona and all the while I'm so proud of him, I miss him and really need him. He kind of just up and left and I was shocked by the immediate drop. My stomach turned and my eyes watered. My ex boyfriend ruined everything about us and our friendship. It was like a cork screw roller coaster that went really fast, I kept spinning out of control and I couldn't stop it. The most heart wrenching though of everything I've been through is when Rachel passed away. It was when something again went wrong on the roller coaster and on that sharp turn the cart went off track and everyone on it went with it. There has also been the money case where I live pay check to pay check and it's as if the roller coaster is going up and down, up and down, up and down and it's so nerve racking and you just want it to end and smooth out but you have to keep going through it because that's life.

I've had all those downs but trust me I have had my ups where it's so thrilling and I just keep thinking this feeling could last forever. I've met amazing friends and had wonderful times with them. I have moved into a wonderful house with my best friend. I thankfully have spent a lot of time with my mom and become very close to her. I am now becoming a server at Ciatti's where I have hosted at for about a year and a half. I am seeing a guy who is just perfect for me, we are great together and he makes me truly happy. My cousin is going to be having a beautiful baby boy Connor soon.

Life is just a roller coaster and I'm not allowed to get off no matter how scared I get. At least I have people on the same ride with me and to hold my hand when I get too scared.

But the struggle makes you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time..-Gary Allen

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Rachel Maxine Cody

It's possible that you have heard of her recently maybe on the news or in the paper. She passed away a week ago from falling off of Grand Dad's Bluff here in LaCrosse. She was in her senior year at Holmen High School. I had the privilege of going to school with her, of being in classes with her, and of knowing her. I can't even explain to you how this has twisted my life around. This girl was amazing in so many ways. I want you to picture the happiest person you know; that was Rachel times 10. She was truly a one of a kind girl. I miss her.

When I heard of the news I was thankfully in my hometown; Holmen. I could be surrounded by the people who knew her which is exactly what I needed. I was in complete shock though when I heard, it had yet to hit me and that itself was so hard. I went to a bonfire that someone had so people could just be together. I stayed there for a while, we talked about her, cried about her, and just remembered her. I stayed in Holmen that night for comfort. The next day my friend Zack asked if I wanted to meet him at the high school, I was very hesitant to go there. When I was a freshman I again lost a close friend, Conor McLaughlin, I know what the school would be like. I knew the tears would be streaming down so many faces, the hugging would be unstoppable, and everyone would just being in the state of missing her. I didn't know if I could handle that atmosphere again, but I went in hopes that maybe it would hit me or at lest maybe I would find comfort in some friends and old teachers of mine. I did break down a few times at the high school and it was a struggle to keep walking through the halls and talking and hugging everyone you came in contact with. It took a tole on me and I could only stay about and hour and a half. As I drove away from the school I immediately lost it. I wanted her back, I wanted to go back to school and search the halls for her because I felt this still all couldn't be true. I came back to LaCrosse I was planning on going to my class for the day but I just didn't have the strength. I packed up a bag and headed to Holmen, I so badly needed to be where my heart still is.

I worked all weekend which was a good distraction. But I knew that once Monday hit and that I had to go to the wake that I would not be in the best state of mind. I met up with some friends of mine and hers. We had all taken CNA together and TC. We all drove together and the whole way there we moaned and groaned about how we just couldn't do this, how it could not be true. As we walked up to the church my heart sank low into my stomach and I felt sick. I did not believe that I had the strength to do this, yet again. We walked in and a gentleman handed us the piece of paper which had Rachel's picture on it, some of her favorite things, a description of her, the wake and funeral dates and times, and of course the obituary. I kept starting at her picture, I kept missing her smile, and I stayed strong. I looked at the pictures her family put together. I waited to go inside the church. I looked over to my right and I saw her boyfriend he had to walk out of the church I'm assuming from the stress and just everything he had to deal with. And out of no where it had hit me. Tears immediately started pouring out of my eyes, I was heaving. I got farther into the church and close to seeing her and her family and I could not keep it together. I then saw my best friend, Ben, and he grabbed me right away and held me while I cried my heart out. I continued to walk into the room where she was. I met her family, I know where she got her spunk from, and he amazing eyes and smile. My friend Cassie and I held hands as we walked up to her. I don't remember much after that it was all just a mess of crying, hugging and shaking. I needed Rachel in that moment, I needed her there. She was gone..

Tuesday morning I woke up after only 2 hours of solid sleep. I was exhausted and again I thought 'I can't possibly face this day where we say our final goodbye to our friend.' It was pouring rain and it made perfect sense. I met up with a couple of the same people as the even before. We drove separate to the funeral because we all had obligations after it, sadly. We walked up to the church again with our stomachs turning and hurting, and our blood shot eyes from the night before. There were already so many people sitting down and waiting, we were over an hour early. We decided to say our last goodbyes to her and go into the room where she lay one last time. I cried so hard, I begged for her to wake up. We went and sat together and watch the beautiful slide show the family and funeral home had put together for her, and listened to music. I was doing okay, I was a bit weepy; then a picture showed up on the slide show that I know all too well, the one of us together. I simply lost it, I sobbed again while my friend held me. We sat and continued to wait for the service to start. I kept saying how I just don't want it to start because then it's really over, then she is really gone. The service was amazing in so many ways. I miss her more then ever and my heart is still aching. I know she is our angel and I am so thankful I knew her.

At Holmen we have lost 9 students in the past 5 years. Our hearts are still hurting. We need time to heal and be okay again. I just pray Holmen gets a break. All of you are in my hearts and prayers.

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. - Wicked

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

Trial & Error

Have you ever been the victom of someone elses mistakes and learning? I understand in life you have to do things, you have to fail, you have to fall, and you have to make mistakes to learn; but have you ever been someone's mistakes? Has someone ever learned what they needed because of how they treated you?

One of my last relationships was like that. I was the one being hurt by his choices and actions. I was how he learned how to treat people, how to care about people, how to break promises to people, how to keep people hanging on after you've so badly betrayed them. He minipulated my mind and made me believe he would always become a better person. He always told me he didn't mean what he did and he would make it better and become a better person. He would learn from his mistakes, the mistakes that made me lose my mind and cry harder then I've cried in my life.

My ex boyfriend was and still is addicted to drugs. Now I know what you're thinking, "How could you ever date someone like that? How could you know that and put yourself through it?" Well my fellow readers, love makes you do some crazy things. In life we are capable of blocking out the bad qualities in a person. We can love them so much that the bad doesn't seem so bad, that the huge mistakes are just minimal, and the 'mistakes' that continue to happen are just flooks that will soon stop because they said so. Someone from outside of the situation though can see what is going on, they can see how the person is hurting you so much more than you realize. Sometimes we can set pain aside in our lives and not let it affect us in the present; one day though the pain will hit you. You could be with all of your friends, you could be at work, you could be at school, you could be driving, you could be with your family, or you could be all alone. No matter where you are, the pain will and can hit you and sometimes it is unberable pain that finally breaks you down. Back to the addiction, dating someone who is an addict is kind of like dating someone who consistantly cheats on you, lies to you, and betrays you. They convince you that they are going to quit, that they are in the process and that it's just a matter of time. I just want you to let you know, they are lying to you. They aren't going to quit, they aren't in the process, and they probably consumed the substance hours before they were with you..sometimes minutes. This substance takes over their life, and sometimes can take over yours just because you are with that person. Living this lifestyle is filled with constant false hope. They keep reasuring you that it will get better; that they will get better. I can't tell you when it will happen, it's possible that it never will. They must seek help, sometimes professional help. Over coming a substance addiction is more serious then I think people realize these days. Just because it is more common does not mean is is any less sevear.

No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I told him I was there for him, no matter how often I prayed for him, no matter what I did for him, no matter how much I loved him he could not just quit. This relationship still haunts me. I still think about him, I continue to try and think of ways of how I could have fixed it, I blame myself in ways because I couldn't fix him. I know, it's not my fault and there is nothing I can do to help him, only to be there as a friend, but sometimes I feel like there had to be something I could have done. I still miss him and I still wonder about him and his life. I worry constantly still and there continues to be a dull ache in my heart. One day I hope he is okay.

For me now though I am still damaged. I still have a really hard time trusting people. I feel like the whole time we were together I was constantly just pushed around and hurt, and the pain still lingers. I recently broke down about all of it. He was at my house and walked out due to the fact that someone frustrated him; I ran to my room and I could not stop crying, I felt like I could barely move. It was when the pain had hit me, him leaving my house was as if he was leaving me and walking away from us. All of the bad things he had done to me flooded into my memory all at once. I laid in bed and just cried while I was curled in a ball. After that night we didn't talk for a month straight which was the longest time for us in over two years. I did end up talking to him because I needed some type of closure to have it be the final goodbye. All the talk did was make me realized how much of a mistake our relationship was. How I was the practice before the big game. I was the trial and error. We failed.

If someone can't stop doing things that you don't want them to do it only means that they love those things more than they love you.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

A Quick Overview

This will be my first post on blogger; so I decided I would do an overview of the 18 years I've been here. I was born in LaCrosse, WI and I've stayed in this county my entire life; to be more specific I've been in the same house my whole life as well. I have an older brother John who is currently 26. My mom is the most amazing woman I know she is working at Creative Laminates as an Office Assistant. She is newly engaged to an interesting man. My mom and brother have been the most permanent and best two people in my life.

I went to the same elementary school all 6 years in Holmen. Needless to say that is when I began to really hate school. I'm not a fan of sitting around and listening to subjects I'm not interested in. I then went to middle school in Holmen for 3 years then thankfully made it to high school again in Holmen. I've been raised there my entire life; a small town life but with room to grow. I made many friends because most of us stayed in Holmen being raised; most I still have to this day.

My life has been an uphill battle but I'm lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. My parents separated when I was only in 2nd grade; the divorce was final once I was in 3rd grade. I was one of 5 children in my entire elementary school with divorced parents, which was difficult. I had joint custody and lived with both of them for an equal amount of time. A lot started to change though when my dad moved on and started dating. I no longer wanted to live with him. Eventually it was just my mom, my brother and I.

While in school I was starting to pick up hobbies and figuring out what wasn't for me. I enjoy writing, reading, photography, walking, listening, and of course as all kids would say having fun. I also learned I am just not meant for sports; I lack coordination and skill with almost every sport. Tennis and snowboarding are the only two that have continued to stick with me through the years.

I've had three friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I've known two since 7th grade, and the other since pre-school. These girls are my best friends through anything. We have all had our struggles in life and without them I'm not sure how I would have managed. We have our off days, sometimes weeks; but all in all I know that I always have them, no matter the time of day or the situation they will be there for me. We are all so different and maybe that's why we fit together so well. I'm not sure how to explain it, and I'm not even sure I understand it but we always work through any problem we're facing.

Currently I am a student at WTC. My major is ASLA; Associated Science and Liberal Arts. All in all I'm just focusing on generals here. My plan right now is to transfer next year to Winona State to start schooling in what I want to do with my life. My goal as of now is to become a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. Basically if I'm helping people I will be happy with my career choice.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda