Life, Simply Put

I'm just going through the stages and living my life. I've been super stressed out lately but I'm still trying to enjoy life as much as I can. I have recently been working full time since I started serving and it sure is taking it's toll on me. I am exhausted every day and I rarely ever get a full day off. I'm lucky if I get one day without work. This last weekend I did enjoy a Sunday off. I went to the Viking vs. Lions game. Well let me tell you, I never thought I would see the day where I was in purple and yellow. I was raised a Packer fan and I turned into an Eagles fan for personal reasons, regardless I have always been a Vikqueen-hater. But because of the guy I've been seeing (or whatever you call it these days) for the past year or so I've grown to accept them. I bought him tickets for the game, I know lucky guy, but I had to tag along. I actually had a great time. I think I enjoyed the ride home the most though; we sang our hearts out and laughed hysterically. It's moments like that in life that make me really treasure who I have and what I'm given.

In my last post I talked about my favorite little guy Logan, well I am just so excited because I get to babysit him more in the upcoming weeks. I love getting time with him. This week when I was watching him he put his 'knuck' in all on his own! I started laughing and clapping because I was so excited! I know it's the little things but really it made me so happy. I just really want the best for him.

I can not wait for snow! I know you all want to hit me for saying that, but really I looove Winter! I love all the activities that come with it too! And of course Christmas, my favorite holiday. I am in love with the scenery during winter, everything is so peaceful. There is always something to do during the lovely season too. I especially can't wait to go snowmobiling. One thing I'm not looking forward to is the busy season at work. We always get so slammed during the holidays. It's already starting to pick up and it will be this way till Valentines day. It never really dies down till the end of April, and beginning of June but then it's graduation time so we pick right back up. I tell ya the restaurant business is always chaotic. But anyways, I just simply can't wait for that first big snow fall!

Another thing I can't wait for is getting my braces off! I feel silly being in college and having them. But hopefully on December 27th they will tell me I can come in in two weeks or so and get them taken off! Please, cross your fingers for me!

I hope all is well in your life.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

life can be so unfair..

I know, life isn't fair, it never is, deal with it, live with it, move on. But some things are just so ming boggling that it's hard to comprehend why they happen. I know most people say that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I find that hard to believe. It does not put any ease on situations though knowing that something bad is happening for a reason. And why does everyone say the bad things happen to the good people? For one bad stuff is happening all over the world to good and bad people. Second why would bad things be thrown at good people? I know it tests your strengths and helps you grow but maybe life should just be easy going and full of love and happiness.

This little boy right here is the reason for my post. This amazing joyful little guy is facing a battle he doesn't even understand. He can't speak or walk yet, he is only 6 months old. He is Tyler's nephew and almost like my own. Logan was diagnosed with muscualr dystrophy yesterday. This little boy is going to face a battle and once he begins to understand the extent of this disease all he will be able to do is ask why? Right now all his family and friends are just simply asking why? He has been struggling to hold his head up on his own which shouldn't be an issue, and he can barely sit up on his own. The signs were there that something was wrong but no one ever thought it would be something so bad or so extreme. Now I know that you can live with MD but life just isn't the same or as fulfilling. When chlidren, especially babies, are diagnosed with MD it tends to be a more severe case. I don't know how to feel about this whole situation other then helpless. I love him no less then I did before. It's so hard to watch a family go through something like this. All you want to do is make it better but there really is no way other then to be that support they may need when things get rough. His parents just got married this last weekend, one of the happiest weekends of their life, and days later they recieve the news. It's just heart renching. I don't get why things like this happen, I don't get how, and I don't agree with it.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Slower Traffic Keep Right!

Some would say I have road rage and others would simply agree that I just know how to drive and how others need to drive. Lately I feel like people have gotten so much worse at driving. Maybe they are trying to be more cautious, but I just think they're idiots! The speed limit is there for a reason, not for you to go under it. Blinkers are on your vehicle to signal which direction you're turning when you put your breaks on. If you put your breaks on and you're not turning or stopping at a stop light or a yellow/red light, you are an idiot! I get so frustrated about all of this because it makes everyone around the idiot drive like one too. If you are not comfortable following simple rules such as the speed limit or using your blinker then maybe you need to get off the road and start taking the bus. I understand that people can have a fear of driving but then doesn't that just endanger all of us if they are scared to be on the road? Why can't people maintain their speed? Is it that difficult to stay at the same mph? I guess I'm just frustrated with the fact that everyone should know how to drive yet they simply just don't.

Common curtisy is lost in driving. Don't people understand they should not pull out in front of you, especially if you are driving over 35 mph? Also why do people insist on cutting others off!? Just wait a few seconds when the timing is right so you will not possibly cause an accident. People who can't multi task shouldn't talk on their phones while they're driving either. I know that you're not supposed to talk on your phone when you drive anyways but some people can pull it off. Also why does it take people so long to turn?! It does not take a whole minute to make a good turn.

Well on a positive note life is going well for me. Serving has been wonderful and very entertaining at that. This weekend I am getting together with a few old friends and I can't wait to catch up and just have a good time. Also I'll be attending a wedding and I just love weddings. I will be meeting all of Tyler's family and that's pretty nerve racking, but I'm looking forward to it. Work will be occupying most of my time though this weekend and the following week. I need the money so I shouldn't complain but of course I can't help but miss the days when I only had 4 shifts the entire week. Overall I've been breathing easy lately.

Really? It's almost November..?

How is it that the older I get the faster my life seems to move? I can not believe October is almost over. Soon it'll be the new year and we'll be in shock that we've gone through yet another year. I can remember all the way back in third grade when I was standing outside my elementary school with my aunt, who was an aid at the school, talking about how I was going to graduate in 9 years and I kept saying how it would never come fast enough; funny thing is it's here and gone and it happened in the blink of an eye just as my aunt said it would. When you're a kid being a grown up seems like it's forever away and you can't wait to get to that point in life. Of course all adults say to just take your time and enjoy the ride it will come too soon, and they are right in every way. I would give anything to go back to days with recess and snack time, man those were the days. I am in total shock that Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which then means Christmas will be here as well. I live for holidays, I love them in every way. I am really big on spending time with family and truly just living in the moment and for your happiness. I find myself very relaxed, calm, at ease and happy with the world when it's a holiday and I have nothing to worry about but my family. I will be going to Chicago this year to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom's side of the family, and I can not wait; but of course I should wait and enjoy my time till it gets here, ha. But really I haven't seen them in so long I feel like and I really enjoy my time with them, plus I am in love with Chicago. I also love car rides with my mom, we have this ritual where we stop at McDoanalds in Holmen and get dinner, then we drive while I pick the CD's, and we have life talks. We have the types of talks where I'm nearly jumping out of my seat to prove a point or out of excitement. We stop 3 to 4 times to go to the restroom and get snacks. We probably have the most fun on long car rides. My cousins are all growing up so fast, life is just too fast for my taste. I think this time of year just starts my amazing holiday mood! I also have many things leading up to Thanksgiving weekend to look forward to, my ex but not so ex boyfriends sister is getting married, I am going to an NFL football game it'll be my first one ever, and Halloween. This post is all over the place and that's just the way my mind has been lately. I can't keep a thought for a minute.

I just started serving at Ciatti's and although I've only had one shift on my own I am already more stressed than before. This weekend work will consume my life, I work Friday night and a double on Saturday and Sunday. It's just a lot to think about and it's taking up a lot of my time. If I end up not liking serving I'm going to have to get a second job elsewhere which actually doesn't bother me, change at this point would be nice. I do love where I work and I love most everyone there but having two positions there, hosting and serving, just might be too much Ciatti's to handle. I suppose i'll just wait and see and hope it all works out.

Well my mind simply needs a rest and I am hoping to fall asleep before 6 AM. My sleeping habits are horrible due to my racing mind. Anyone have any suggestions? I've heard of getting super cold right before you plan on getting in bed, reading a book, obviously a sleeping pill, and concentrating on breathing..none work for me!

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry & curse at the wind, he broke his own heart

I am having an awfully hard time these days not having my father around. I recently went to a wedding and the bride didn't have contact with her dad so her mother walked her down the isle and her son gave her away at the end. I don't have a dad to walk me down the isle, I don't have one to have the father daughter dance with, and I just simply don't have one to hold my hand when I'm weak anymore. I think about it a lot, and sometimes I cry about it a lot. I think more about the future and how my children will only know their father's dad, they will only have one grandpa. How do I explain to them that Grandpa Lawrence just isn't a safe or good man to be around? How will I look at them and say Grandpa was a very horrible man and he hurt Grandma, Uncle John, and me very badly? I want him to be there in my life, more than anything. But I also don't want to be hurt countless times like I have been in the past. There are so many things that make my dad cross my mind. Sometimes a memory jumps out at me from no where and it really hurts me. It can be as simple as remembering how me and my dad used to be, activities we used to do, movies we would watch, a favorite beer of his, or maybe even a t-shirt. Some memories have a bigger impact on me though than others. I remember the first time I found his pipe used for smoking illegal drugs from. I told my mom I found something and I have never seen her cry so hard or openly in front of me as I had that day, I was 9 years old. I didn't understand what it was exactly that I had found but I figured if it made my mom cry that hard it couldn't be good at all. I became a snoop, I would look through his stuff every chance I got so I could go to my mom and learn what it was I was finding. I was desperately searching for the answers as to why my parents got divorced, I was hoping to find out that I wasn't the reason. At the age of 10 I then put more pieces to this crazy puzzle together; I went to my mom and with tears in my eyes I asked her to please tell me if dad had cheated on her. I remembered it, I remember going to the woman's house, I remember playing with her little girls who were my best friends, I remember them leaving us and going off on their own. When I was that little I thought that's what adults did, later I realized that's not what two 'friends' do when they are married to someone else. At that point my world had turned upside down and I didn't know what to do with myself. I never wanted to see my dad again but because my parents had joint custody of me because of the divorce I had to see him, by law. Even though I knew all the bad things I had to see him. I started to run away from his house, I would take my bike and just peddle my heart out and get to my mom's as fast as I possibly could. I would collapse into her arms and beg her to keep me and never let me go back. She would then have to call my dad, who didn't notice I was gone, and tell him that I was with her; that I ran away from him. I discovered so many things, things I would never expect a father to do. Over the years the pieces kept falling together. Memories of what he would do sometimes jump back into my mind out of no where. This summer I actually had a dream of a memory; when my parents separated my dad moved out and my mom kept the house, one day my dad showed up at my mom's and asked if he could take me to the park near by, he just wanted to see me for a little bit. So we biked over to the park and I played, because that's what little kids do they forget what's going on in the real world when there is a whole playground in front of them. My dad sat there and watched and would smile at me but at one point I turned to see what he was doing and he was crying, he was actually sobbing his eyes out. I went over to him and hugged him, because he was my daddy and daddy's don't cry. He kept saying things that at the time made no sense to a 7 year old. But now when they play through my mind I get the chills all over. "Manda I love you, I'm so sorry I did this, I'm sorry I put your mom through this, some day you'll understand, someday you'll get it, I don't know why I did it, I love you, I love your mom, I am so sorry Manda." At the time I thought 'it' was just them getting a divorce, later to find out it was the cheating, drugs and alcohol consumption that tore them apart.

This entire situation has shaped my entire life. It has made me weak and yet so strong. I do lack trust when it's needed but I can't help that. I can't just throw my heart out there to anyone because my dad, the man who is supposed to be there for me, betrayed me and my mom more then anyone has yet to do. I love the man I thought he was. I love the man who would watch packer games with me, and Disney movies. The man who would take me to really neat parks and hiking trails. The man who held me when I cried my eyes out, because that's what dad's do. I love that man that he could be. But the man he truly is, I hate. When people ask about my dad I simply say, I don't have one. They always think right away he must have died and in a way they are totally correct in that thought, he is killing himself slowly. And in my heart he is dead because I do not know the man he is, and the man he was to me is a lie and a fake. I have a mother who has undoubtedly been there for me in every step of my life, I would not trade my life for anyone else's.

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda