Trial & Error

Have you ever been the victom of someone elses mistakes and learning? I understand in life you have to do things, you have to fail, you have to fall, and you have to make mistakes to learn; but have you ever been someone's mistakes? Has someone ever learned what they needed because of how they treated you?

One of my last relationships was like that. I was the one being hurt by his choices and actions. I was how he learned how to treat people, how to care about people, how to break promises to people, how to keep people hanging on after you've so badly betrayed them. He minipulated my mind and made me believe he would always become a better person. He always told me he didn't mean what he did and he would make it better and become a better person. He would learn from his mistakes, the mistakes that made me lose my mind and cry harder then I've cried in my life.

My ex boyfriend was and still is addicted to drugs. Now I know what you're thinking, "How could you ever date someone like that? How could you know that and put yourself through it?" Well my fellow readers, love makes you do some crazy things. In life we are capable of blocking out the bad qualities in a person. We can love them so much that the bad doesn't seem so bad, that the huge mistakes are just minimal, and the 'mistakes' that continue to happen are just flooks that will soon stop because they said so. Someone from outside of the situation though can see what is going on, they can see how the person is hurting you so much more than you realize. Sometimes we can set pain aside in our lives and not let it affect us in the present; one day though the pain will hit you. You could be with all of your friends, you could be at work, you could be at school, you could be driving, you could be with your family, or you could be all alone. No matter where you are, the pain will and can hit you and sometimes it is unberable pain that finally breaks you down. Back to the addiction, dating someone who is an addict is kind of like dating someone who consistantly cheats on you, lies to you, and betrays you. They convince you that they are going to quit, that they are in the process and that it's just a matter of time. I just want you to let you know, they are lying to you. They aren't going to quit, they aren't in the process, and they probably consumed the substance hours before they were with you..sometimes minutes. This substance takes over their life, and sometimes can take over yours just because you are with that person. Living this lifestyle is filled with constant false hope. They keep reasuring you that it will get better; that they will get better. I can't tell you when it will happen, it's possible that it never will. They must seek help, sometimes professional help. Over coming a substance addiction is more serious then I think people realize these days. Just because it is more common does not mean is is any less sevear.

No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I told him I was there for him, no matter how often I prayed for him, no matter what I did for him, no matter how much I loved him he could not just quit. This relationship still haunts me. I still think about him, I continue to try and think of ways of how I could have fixed it, I blame myself in ways because I couldn't fix him. I know, it's not my fault and there is nothing I can do to help him, only to be there as a friend, but sometimes I feel like there had to be something I could have done. I still miss him and I still wonder about him and his life. I worry constantly still and there continues to be a dull ache in my heart. One day I hope he is okay.

For me now though I am still damaged. I still have a really hard time trusting people. I feel like the whole time we were together I was constantly just pushed around and hurt, and the pain still lingers. I recently broke down about all of it. He was at my house and walked out due to the fact that someone frustrated him; I ran to my room and I could not stop crying, I felt like I could barely move. It was when the pain had hit me, him leaving my house was as if he was leaving me and walking away from us. All of the bad things he had done to me flooded into my memory all at once. I laid in bed and just cried while I was curled in a ball. After that night we didn't talk for a month straight which was the longest time for us in over two years. I did end up talking to him because I needed some type of closure to have it be the final goodbye. All the talk did was make me realized how much of a mistake our relationship was. How I was the practice before the big game. I was the trial and error. We failed.

If someone can't stop doing things that you don't want them to do it only means that they love those things more than they love you.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda