A Roller Coaster Ride

Life has always been a roller coaster ride; the ups, the downs, the sharp corners when you think you're going to fly off track, the drops that make your stomach turn and your eyes water, the moments where you are totally upside down and helplessly hanging there, and the thrill of climbing up slowly but surely making it to the top.

After graduating, moving out, and starting college life has been like a brand new roller coaster; one that I didn't get to look at before I got on it. Every turn is unknown, and I'm unsure of every fall that I'm going to be taking. I don't know when I will get to the top of the hill and then suddenly start dropping and falling. But I also can't predict when I will start to rise again, I never know when things will start looking up.

Since I have graduated I feel like there have been more falls than rises. My mom is engaged to one of the most absurd men I have ever met in my life. He is heartless towards me and believes that because I am 18 years old I no longer need my mom because I'm an 'adult'. He has turned my world upside down and its as if something went wrong with the roller coaster and I'm now stuck hanging there and I'm helpless. My brother has moved to Arizona and all the while I'm so proud of him, I miss him and really need him. He kind of just up and left and I was shocked by the immediate drop. My stomach turned and my eyes watered. My ex boyfriend ruined everything about us and our friendship. It was like a cork screw roller coaster that went really fast, I kept spinning out of control and I couldn't stop it. The most heart wrenching though of everything I've been through is when Rachel passed away. It was when something again went wrong on the roller coaster and on that sharp turn the cart went off track and everyone on it went with it. There has also been the money case where I live pay check to pay check and it's as if the roller coaster is going up and down, up and down, up and down and it's so nerve racking and you just want it to end and smooth out but you have to keep going through it because that's life.

I've had all those downs but trust me I have had my ups where it's so thrilling and I just keep thinking this feeling could last forever. I've met amazing friends and had wonderful times with them. I have moved into a wonderful house with my best friend. I thankfully have spent a lot of time with my mom and become very close to her. I am now becoming a server at Ciatti's where I have hosted at for about a year and a half. I am seeing a guy who is just perfect for me, we are great together and he makes me truly happy. My cousin is going to be having a beautiful baby boy Connor soon.

Life is just a roller coaster and I'm not allowed to get off no matter how scared I get. At least I have people on the same ride with me and to hold my hand when I get too scared.

But the struggle makes you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time..-Gary Allen

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

Rachel Maxine Cody

It's possible that you have heard of her recently maybe on the news or in the paper. She passed away a week ago from falling off of Grand Dad's Bluff here in LaCrosse. She was in her senior year at Holmen High School. I had the privilege of going to school with her, of being in classes with her, and of knowing her. I can't even explain to you how this has twisted my life around. This girl was amazing in so many ways. I want you to picture the happiest person you know; that was Rachel times 10. She was truly a one of a kind girl. I miss her.

When I heard of the news I was thankfully in my hometown; Holmen. I could be surrounded by the people who knew her which is exactly what I needed. I was in complete shock though when I heard, it had yet to hit me and that itself was so hard. I went to a bonfire that someone had so people could just be together. I stayed there for a while, we talked about her, cried about her, and just remembered her. I stayed in Holmen that night for comfort. The next day my friend Zack asked if I wanted to meet him at the high school, I was very hesitant to go there. When I was a freshman I again lost a close friend, Conor McLaughlin, I know what the school would be like. I knew the tears would be streaming down so many faces, the hugging would be unstoppable, and everyone would just being in the state of missing her. I didn't know if I could handle that atmosphere again, but I went in hopes that maybe it would hit me or at lest maybe I would find comfort in some friends and old teachers of mine. I did break down a few times at the high school and it was a struggle to keep walking through the halls and talking and hugging everyone you came in contact with. It took a tole on me and I could only stay about and hour and a half. As I drove away from the school I immediately lost it. I wanted her back, I wanted to go back to school and search the halls for her because I felt this still all couldn't be true. I came back to LaCrosse I was planning on going to my class for the day but I just didn't have the strength. I packed up a bag and headed to Holmen, I so badly needed to be where my heart still is.

I worked all weekend which was a good distraction. But I knew that once Monday hit and that I had to go to the wake that I would not be in the best state of mind. I met up with some friends of mine and hers. We had all taken CNA together and TC. We all drove together and the whole way there we moaned and groaned about how we just couldn't do this, how it could not be true. As we walked up to the church my heart sank low into my stomach and I felt sick. I did not believe that I had the strength to do this, yet again. We walked in and a gentleman handed us the piece of paper which had Rachel's picture on it, some of her favorite things, a description of her, the wake and funeral dates and times, and of course the obituary. I kept starting at her picture, I kept missing her smile, and I stayed strong. I looked at the pictures her family put together. I waited to go inside the church. I looked over to my right and I saw her boyfriend he had to walk out of the church I'm assuming from the stress and just everything he had to deal with. And out of no where it had hit me. Tears immediately started pouring out of my eyes, I was heaving. I got farther into the church and close to seeing her and her family and I could not keep it together. I then saw my best friend, Ben, and he grabbed me right away and held me while I cried my heart out. I continued to walk into the room where she was. I met her family, I know where she got her spunk from, and he amazing eyes and smile. My friend Cassie and I held hands as we walked up to her. I don't remember much after that it was all just a mess of crying, hugging and shaking. I needed Rachel in that moment, I needed her there. She was gone..

Tuesday morning I woke up after only 2 hours of solid sleep. I was exhausted and again I thought 'I can't possibly face this day where we say our final goodbye to our friend.' It was pouring rain and it made perfect sense. I met up with a couple of the same people as the even before. We drove separate to the funeral because we all had obligations after it, sadly. We walked up to the church again with our stomachs turning and hurting, and our blood shot eyes from the night before. There were already so many people sitting down and waiting, we were over an hour early. We decided to say our last goodbyes to her and go into the room where she lay one last time. I cried so hard, I begged for her to wake up. We went and sat together and watch the beautiful slide show the family and funeral home had put together for her, and listened to music. I was doing okay, I was a bit weepy; then a picture showed up on the slide show that I know all too well, the one of us together. I simply lost it, I sobbed again while my friend held me. We sat and continued to wait for the service to start. I kept saying how I just don't want it to start because then it's really over, then she is really gone. The service was amazing in so many ways. I miss her more then ever and my heart is still aching. I know she is our angel and I am so thankful I knew her.

At Holmen we have lost 9 students in the past 5 years. Our hearts are still hurting. We need time to heal and be okay again. I just pray Holmen gets a break. All of you are in my hearts and prayers.

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. - Wicked

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

Trial & Error

Have you ever been the victom of someone elses mistakes and learning? I understand in life you have to do things, you have to fail, you have to fall, and you have to make mistakes to learn; but have you ever been someone's mistakes? Has someone ever learned what they needed because of how they treated you?

One of my last relationships was like that. I was the one being hurt by his choices and actions. I was how he learned how to treat people, how to care about people, how to break promises to people, how to keep people hanging on after you've so badly betrayed them. He minipulated my mind and made me believe he would always become a better person. He always told me he didn't mean what he did and he would make it better and become a better person. He would learn from his mistakes, the mistakes that made me lose my mind and cry harder then I've cried in my life.

My ex boyfriend was and still is addicted to drugs. Now I know what you're thinking, "How could you ever date someone like that? How could you know that and put yourself through it?" Well my fellow readers, love makes you do some crazy things. In life we are capable of blocking out the bad qualities in a person. We can love them so much that the bad doesn't seem so bad, that the huge mistakes are just minimal, and the 'mistakes' that continue to happen are just flooks that will soon stop because they said so. Someone from outside of the situation though can see what is going on, they can see how the person is hurting you so much more than you realize. Sometimes we can set pain aside in our lives and not let it affect us in the present; one day though the pain will hit you. You could be with all of your friends, you could be at work, you could be at school, you could be driving, you could be with your family, or you could be all alone. No matter where you are, the pain will and can hit you and sometimes it is unberable pain that finally breaks you down. Back to the addiction, dating someone who is an addict is kind of like dating someone who consistantly cheats on you, lies to you, and betrays you. They convince you that they are going to quit, that they are in the process and that it's just a matter of time. I just want you to let you know, they are lying to you. They aren't going to quit, they aren't in the process, and they probably consumed the substance hours before they were with you..sometimes minutes. This substance takes over their life, and sometimes can take over yours just because you are with that person. Living this lifestyle is filled with constant false hope. They keep reasuring you that it will get better; that they will get better. I can't tell you when it will happen, it's possible that it never will. They must seek help, sometimes professional help. Over coming a substance addiction is more serious then I think people realize these days. Just because it is more common does not mean is is any less sevear.

No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I told him I was there for him, no matter how often I prayed for him, no matter what I did for him, no matter how much I loved him he could not just quit. This relationship still haunts me. I still think about him, I continue to try and think of ways of how I could have fixed it, I blame myself in ways because I couldn't fix him. I know, it's not my fault and there is nothing I can do to help him, only to be there as a friend, but sometimes I feel like there had to be something I could have done. I still miss him and I still wonder about him and his life. I worry constantly still and there continues to be a dull ache in my heart. One day I hope he is okay.

For me now though I am still damaged. I still have a really hard time trusting people. I feel like the whole time we were together I was constantly just pushed around and hurt, and the pain still lingers. I recently broke down about all of it. He was at my house and walked out due to the fact that someone frustrated him; I ran to my room and I could not stop crying, I felt like I could barely move. It was when the pain had hit me, him leaving my house was as if he was leaving me and walking away from us. All of the bad things he had done to me flooded into my memory all at once. I laid in bed and just cried while I was curled in a ball. After that night we didn't talk for a month straight which was the longest time for us in over two years. I did end up talking to him because I needed some type of closure to have it be the final goodbye. All the talk did was make me realized how much of a mistake our relationship was. How I was the practice before the big game. I was the trial and error. We failed.

If someone can't stop doing things that you don't want them to do it only means that they love those things more than they love you.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

A Quick Overview

This will be my first post on blogger; so I decided I would do an overview of the 18 years I've been here. I was born in LaCrosse, WI and I've stayed in this county my entire life; to be more specific I've been in the same house my whole life as well. I have an older brother John who is currently 26. My mom is the most amazing woman I know she is working at Creative Laminates as an Office Assistant. She is newly engaged to an interesting man. My mom and brother have been the most permanent and best two people in my life.

I went to the same elementary school all 6 years in Holmen. Needless to say that is when I began to really hate school. I'm not a fan of sitting around and listening to subjects I'm not interested in. I then went to middle school in Holmen for 3 years then thankfully made it to high school again in Holmen. I've been raised there my entire life; a small town life but with room to grow. I made many friends because most of us stayed in Holmen being raised; most I still have to this day.

My life has been an uphill battle but I'm lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. My parents separated when I was only in 2nd grade; the divorce was final once I was in 3rd grade. I was one of 5 children in my entire elementary school with divorced parents, which was difficult. I had joint custody and lived with both of them for an equal amount of time. A lot started to change though when my dad moved on and started dating. I no longer wanted to live with him. Eventually it was just my mom, my brother and I.

While in school I was starting to pick up hobbies and figuring out what wasn't for me. I enjoy writing, reading, photography, walking, listening, and of course as all kids would say having fun. I also learned I am just not meant for sports; I lack coordination and skill with almost every sport. Tennis and snowboarding are the only two that have continued to stick with me through the years.

I've had three friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I've known two since 7th grade, and the other since pre-school. These girls are my best friends through anything. We have all had our struggles in life and without them I'm not sure how I would have managed. We have our off days, sometimes weeks; but all in all I know that I always have them, no matter the time of day or the situation they will be there for me. We are all so different and maybe that's why we fit together so well. I'm not sure how to explain it, and I'm not even sure I understand it but we always work through any problem we're facing.

Currently I am a student at WTC. My major is ASLA; Associated Science and Liberal Arts. All in all I'm just focusing on generals here. My plan right now is to transfer next year to Winona State to start schooling in what I want to do with my life. My goal as of now is to become a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. Basically if I'm helping people I will be happy with my career choice.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda