Really? It's almost November..?

How is it that the older I get the faster my life seems to move? I can not believe October is almost over. Soon it'll be the new year and we'll be in shock that we've gone through yet another year. I can remember all the way back in third grade when I was standing outside my elementary school with my aunt, who was an aid at the school, talking about how I was going to graduate in 9 years and I kept saying how it would never come fast enough; funny thing is it's here and gone and it happened in the blink of an eye just as my aunt said it would. When you're a kid being a grown up seems like it's forever away and you can't wait to get to that point in life. Of course all adults say to just take your time and enjoy the ride it will come too soon, and they are right in every way. I would give anything to go back to days with recess and snack time, man those were the days. I am in total shock that Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which then means Christmas will be here as well. I live for holidays, I love them in every way. I am really big on spending time with family and truly just living in the moment and for your happiness. I find myself very relaxed, calm, at ease and happy with the world when it's a holiday and I have nothing to worry about but my family. I will be going to Chicago this year to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom's side of the family, and I can not wait; but of course I should wait and enjoy my time till it gets here, ha. But really I haven't seen them in so long I feel like and I really enjoy my time with them, plus I am in love with Chicago. I also love car rides with my mom, we have this ritual where we stop at McDoanalds in Holmen and get dinner, then we drive while I pick the CD's, and we have life talks. We have the types of talks where I'm nearly jumping out of my seat to prove a point or out of excitement. We stop 3 to 4 times to go to the restroom and get snacks. We probably have the most fun on long car rides. My cousins are all growing up so fast, life is just too fast for my taste. I think this time of year just starts my amazing holiday mood! I also have many things leading up to Thanksgiving weekend to look forward to, my ex but not so ex boyfriends sister is getting married, I am going to an NFL football game it'll be my first one ever, and Halloween. This post is all over the place and that's just the way my mind has been lately. I can't keep a thought for a minute.

I just started serving at Ciatti's and although I've only had one shift on my own I am already more stressed than before. This weekend work will consume my life, I work Friday night and a double on Saturday and Sunday. It's just a lot to think about and it's taking up a lot of my time. If I end up not liking serving I'm going to have to get a second job elsewhere which actually doesn't bother me, change at this point would be nice. I do love where I work and I love most everyone there but having two positions there, hosting and serving, just might be too much Ciatti's to handle. I suppose i'll just wait and see and hope it all works out.

Well my mind simply needs a rest and I am hoping to fall asleep before 6 AM. My sleeping habits are horrible due to my racing mind. Anyone have any suggestions? I've heard of getting super cold right before you plan on getting in bed, reading a book, obviously a sleeping pill, and concentrating on breathing..none work for me!

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry & curse at the wind, he broke his own heart

I am having an awfully hard time these days not having my father around. I recently went to a wedding and the bride didn't have contact with her dad so her mother walked her down the isle and her son gave her away at the end. I don't have a dad to walk me down the isle, I don't have one to have the father daughter dance with, and I just simply don't have one to hold my hand when I'm weak anymore. I think about it a lot, and sometimes I cry about it a lot. I think more about the future and how my children will only know their father's dad, they will only have one grandpa. How do I explain to them that Grandpa Lawrence just isn't a safe or good man to be around? How will I look at them and say Grandpa was a very horrible man and he hurt Grandma, Uncle John, and me very badly? I want him to be there in my life, more than anything. But I also don't want to be hurt countless times like I have been in the past. There are so many things that make my dad cross my mind. Sometimes a memory jumps out at me from no where and it really hurts me. It can be as simple as remembering how me and my dad used to be, activities we used to do, movies we would watch, a favorite beer of his, or maybe even a t-shirt. Some memories have a bigger impact on me though than others. I remember the first time I found his pipe used for smoking illegal drugs from. I told my mom I found something and I have never seen her cry so hard or openly in front of me as I had that day, I was 9 years old. I didn't understand what it was exactly that I had found but I figured if it made my mom cry that hard it couldn't be good at all. I became a snoop, I would look through his stuff every chance I got so I could go to my mom and learn what it was I was finding. I was desperately searching for the answers as to why my parents got divorced, I was hoping to find out that I wasn't the reason. At the age of 10 I then put more pieces to this crazy puzzle together; I went to my mom and with tears in my eyes I asked her to please tell me if dad had cheated on her. I remembered it, I remember going to the woman's house, I remember playing with her little girls who were my best friends, I remember them leaving us and going off on their own. When I was that little I thought that's what adults did, later I realized that's not what two 'friends' do when they are married to someone else. At that point my world had turned upside down and I didn't know what to do with myself. I never wanted to see my dad again but because my parents had joint custody of me because of the divorce I had to see him, by law. Even though I knew all the bad things I had to see him. I started to run away from his house, I would take my bike and just peddle my heart out and get to my mom's as fast as I possibly could. I would collapse into her arms and beg her to keep me and never let me go back. She would then have to call my dad, who didn't notice I was gone, and tell him that I was with her; that I ran away from him. I discovered so many things, things I would never expect a father to do. Over the years the pieces kept falling together. Memories of what he would do sometimes jump back into my mind out of no where. This summer I actually had a dream of a memory; when my parents separated my dad moved out and my mom kept the house, one day my dad showed up at my mom's and asked if he could take me to the park near by, he just wanted to see me for a little bit. So we biked over to the park and I played, because that's what little kids do they forget what's going on in the real world when there is a whole playground in front of them. My dad sat there and watched and would smile at me but at one point I turned to see what he was doing and he was crying, he was actually sobbing his eyes out. I went over to him and hugged him, because he was my daddy and daddy's don't cry. He kept saying things that at the time made no sense to a 7 year old. But now when they play through my mind I get the chills all over. "Manda I love you, I'm so sorry I did this, I'm sorry I put your mom through this, some day you'll understand, someday you'll get it, I don't know why I did it, I love you, I love your mom, I am so sorry Manda." At the time I thought 'it' was just them getting a divorce, later to find out it was the cheating, drugs and alcohol consumption that tore them apart.

This entire situation has shaped my entire life. It has made me weak and yet so strong. I do lack trust when it's needed but I can't help that. I can't just throw my heart out there to anyone because my dad, the man who is supposed to be there for me, betrayed me and my mom more then anyone has yet to do. I love the man I thought he was. I love the man who would watch packer games with me, and Disney movies. The man who would take me to really neat parks and hiking trails. The man who held me when I cried my eyes out, because that's what dad's do. I love that man that he could be. But the man he truly is, I hate. When people ask about my dad I simply say, I don't have one. They always think right away he must have died and in a way they are totally correct in that thought, he is killing himself slowly. And in my heart he is dead because I do not know the man he is, and the man he was to me is a lie and a fake. I have a mother who has undoubtedly been there for me in every step of my life, I would not trade my life for anyone else's.

Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

I'll be seeing you,

Amanda

Family

In my life family has never been stable, they always seem to leave, and they always fight about everything. My mom is my constant but with this whole marriage thing she doesn't seem to really be there anymore. So all in all I have a very empty feeling in my heart.

I was at my friend Tyler's house, who I dated for 7 months but it's been an on and off thing for over a year now, and I was talking to him and his brother about the whole situation and how I'm so beat up from it. I mentioned how I have no family around here really other than my mom and his brother looks at me and says while pointing all around his house, "that's not really true." I stopped in thought, I stopped feeling sad, and I realized how true that was. Their family has become my own. Now when I keep thinking about this it nearly brings me to tears. I know I'm so close to them but I guess it never hit me just how close they also felt to me. I love this family like I have loved my own. I know I can always count on any of them. They have welcomed me with open arms. I shouldn't be scared of my mom leaving because I know that I do have people around me that love me but I still struggle because she has been my only one. But I will be okay, I have them, I can get through this.

I keep thinking about family now, and I've done this before, but what is family? How do you define family? I suppose I have a rather large family really. Most of my close friends could be considered family, and even some of my co-workers. There are people who have been with me through so much and stuck right by my side..longer then any of my other true blood family. Family is who you make it, and who makes you, you. I have many people I could go to in an instant and I know they would be there for me. Maybe family isn't supposed to be who is in your blood line, maybe they just get you started in life and help build you..maybe your real family comes together once life starts falling apart; it's who is there for you at the end of every day.

Family may be defined different to me if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce but obviously that happened and it changed my life. Things were revealed about everyone and who they truly were. It has destroyed so much of me going through it. But I suppose over all it has really made me a better and stronger person. There are times when I hate my parents for getting a divorce because I don't know what a normal family setting is like; but I do realize if my mom stayed with a man who cheated on her in the end we would all be more hurt from it.

I enjoy the family I have, the family that has become mine without being blood related, the family who has just always been there for me.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda

One Step At A Time

Life should be lived one day at a time; one moment at a time. You should cherish the day you are given and only focus on the present. But as most of us know that is sometimes near impossible. I do my very best to try and make it through each day without worrying about the next, or even worrying about the far future. I can't help but fear what the future holds for me. How do I know that everything will work out? I realize it will, but sometimes I doubt. All I do is worry, constantly. I lay awake worrying and it really messes with my attempted sleep pattern.

Right now I have a huge fear, a really big burden that is constantly weighing on me. I have stated before that my mom is engaged to an interesting man..one who I do not approve of. He is horrible to me and she is blind to it. She doesn't see how he treats me or she just chooses not to see it. I've sat through a dinner with him, my mom, and my boyfriend at the time and it took all of my entire might to not walk out or burst into tears at the table. I walked out of the restaurant and immediately burst into tears with hurt and betrayal. He sat there and picked me apart, I was always wrong in everything I said, in everything I believed, and in everything I wanted for myself. I was always wrong no matter what I said. I'm only a kid I have every right to be wrong and to have my own beliefs. But the whole part I'm struggling with is that she will be moving to the Chicago area, which is the farthest distance I will have ever lived from my mom, my best friend. I do not have a dad in my life, my brother lives in Arizona, and my other family that I'm close with lives farther away. I will be here, alone. I realize I have friends here but friends are never perminant, life happens, fights happen. I have always had my mom, we have faced some of the most challenging things in life but it's always been together. She has made me the person I am today, she is my shoulder and my hand to hold. How can I live with her 3+ hours away? I understand she is in love..but it's not fair. We have always said we would live very close to each other our whole life, she has promised she would never put me through what my dad did. My dad would pick women over me and neglect me. She is now doing that, picking a man over me. I worry myself sick over all of this. I try to take it one step at a time and focus on right now and the fact that she is still here, but I can't help but think that soon she wont be. Growing up with a single mother had it's struggles but she is one of the strongest people I know. I'm going to miss my mom.

I worry about the future with school too. I'm tempted to go to Southeast Tech next year in Winona for a change and to get me out of this area so I'm not so dependant on it. Also Winona is my primary choice at the moment once I finish my generals at a tech school. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I pick the wrong school or the wrong major? I know what ifs will get you no where in life but I can't help but to think of them, it's just how I function. I am leaning towards Southeast to challenge myself because I know I need that. I tend to make the best and somtimes the worst decisions if I don't think and I just act on instinct.

Today has been one of those days where life has simply told me, you suck. I have done numerous things where i simply stop everything and go why! I have dropped tons, I have forgetten so much, I went to class when it was cancelled, I tripped so many times, and I have simply just been a mess. But it's days like this where I really must keep a strong head on my shoulders and keep pushing, it's going to get better. I have people here for me to help me laugh at my days like this. Actually I have grown very close to people I work with and they seem to help me more and more these days. Yesterday I was training to serve and I dropped a club soda on a man, he was a real jerk about it and I lost it a bit; the kitchen guys really helped me out, just by talking and making me laugh. Sometimes I don't think people realize how much they can help someone out just by talking to them. These people help me slow life down and take it moment by moment. I can stop and just take life in as it comes. I wish I always had them with me.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda