One Step At A Time

Life should be lived one day at a time; one moment at a time. You should cherish the day you are given and only focus on the present. But as most of us know that is sometimes near impossible. I do my very best to try and make it through each day without worrying about the next, or even worrying about the far future. I can't help but fear what the future holds for me. How do I know that everything will work out? I realize it will, but sometimes I doubt. All I do is worry, constantly. I lay awake worrying and it really messes with my attempted sleep pattern.

Right now I have a huge fear, a really big burden that is constantly weighing on me. I have stated before that my mom is engaged to an interesting man..one who I do not approve of. He is horrible to me and she is blind to it. She doesn't see how he treats me or she just chooses not to see it. I've sat through a dinner with him, my mom, and my boyfriend at the time and it took all of my entire might to not walk out or burst into tears at the table. I walked out of the restaurant and immediately burst into tears with hurt and betrayal. He sat there and picked me apart, I was always wrong in everything I said, in everything I believed, and in everything I wanted for myself. I was always wrong no matter what I said. I'm only a kid I have every right to be wrong and to have my own beliefs. But the whole part I'm struggling with is that she will be moving to the Chicago area, which is the farthest distance I will have ever lived from my mom, my best friend. I do not have a dad in my life, my brother lives in Arizona, and my other family that I'm close with lives farther away. I will be here, alone. I realize I have friends here but friends are never perminant, life happens, fights happen. I have always had my mom, we have faced some of the most challenging things in life but it's always been together. She has made me the person I am today, she is my shoulder and my hand to hold. How can I live with her 3+ hours away? I understand she is in love..but it's not fair. We have always said we would live very close to each other our whole life, she has promised she would never put me through what my dad did. My dad would pick women over me and neglect me. She is now doing that, picking a man over me. I worry myself sick over all of this. I try to take it one step at a time and focus on right now and the fact that she is still here, but I can't help but think that soon she wont be. Growing up with a single mother had it's struggles but she is one of the strongest people I know. I'm going to miss my mom.

I worry about the future with school too. I'm tempted to go to Southeast Tech next year in Winona for a change and to get me out of this area so I'm not so dependant on it. Also Winona is my primary choice at the moment once I finish my generals at a tech school. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I pick the wrong school or the wrong major? I know what ifs will get you no where in life but I can't help but to think of them, it's just how I function. I am leaning towards Southeast to challenge myself because I know I need that. I tend to make the best and somtimes the worst decisions if I don't think and I just act on instinct.

Today has been one of those days where life has simply told me, you suck. I have done numerous things where i simply stop everything and go why! I have dropped tons, I have forgetten so much, I went to class when it was cancelled, I tripped so many times, and I have simply just been a mess. But it's days like this where I really must keep a strong head on my shoulders and keep pushing, it's going to get better. I have people here for me to help me laugh at my days like this. Actually I have grown very close to people I work with and they seem to help me more and more these days. Yesterday I was training to serve and I dropped a club soda on a man, he was a real jerk about it and I lost it a bit; the kitchen guys really helped me out, just by talking and making me laugh. Sometimes I don't think people realize how much they can help someone out just by talking to them. These people help me slow life down and take it moment by moment. I can stop and just take life in as it comes. I wish I always had them with me.

I'll be seeing you,
Amanda