Life Ain't Always Beautiful But It's A Beautiful Ride: When I was younger I saw my daddy cry & curse at the wind, he broke his own heart

I am having an awfully hard time these days not having my father around. I recently went to a wedding and the bride didn't have contact with her dad so her mother walked her down the isle and her son gave her away at the end. I don't have a dad to walk me down the isle, I don't have one to have the father daughter dance with, and I just simply don't have one to hold my hand when I'm weak anymore. I think about it a lot, and sometimes I cry about it a lot.

I think more about the future and how my children will only know their father's dad, they will only have one grandpa. How do I explain to them that Grandpa Lawrence just isn't a safe or good man to be around? How will I look at them and say Grandpa was a very horrible man and he hurt Grandma, Uncle John, and me very badly? I want him to be there in my life, more than anything. But I also don't want to be hurt countless times like I have been in the past. There are so many things that make my dad cross my mind. Sometimes a memory jumps out at me from no where and it really hurts me. It can be as simple as remembering how me and my dad used to be, activities we used to do, movies we would watch, a favorite beer of his, or maybe even a t-shirt. Some memories have a bigger impact on me though than others. I remember the first time I found his pipe used for smoking illegal drugs from. I told my mom I found something and I have never seen her cry so hard or openly in front of me as I had that day, I was 9 years old. I didn't understand what it was exactly that I had found but I figured if it made my mom cry that hard it couldn't be good at all. I became a snoop, I would look through his stuff every chance I got so I could go to my mom and learn what it was I was finding. I was desperately searching for the answers as to why my parents got divorced, I was hoping to find out that I wasn't the reason. At the age of 10 I then put more pieces to this crazy puzzle together; I went to my mom and with tears in my eyes I asked her to please tell me if dad had cheated on her. I remembered it, I remember going to the woman's house, I remember playing with her little girls who were my best friends, I remember them leaving us and going off on their own. When I was that little I thought that's what adults did, later I realized that's not what two 'friends' do when they are married to someone else. At that point my world had turned upside down and I didn't know what to do with myself. I never wanted to see my dad again but because my parents had joint custody of me because of the divorce I had to see him, by law. Even though I knew all the bad things I had to see him. I started to run away from his house, I would take my bike and just peddle my heart out and get to my mom's as fast as I possibly could. I would collapse into her arms and beg her to keep me and never let me go back. She would then have to call my dad, who didn't notice I was gone, and tell him that I was with her; that I ran away from him. I discovered so many things, things I would never expect a father to do. Over the years the pieces kept falling together. Memories of what he would do sometimes jump back into my mind out of no where. This summer I actually had a dream of a memory; when my parents separated my dad moved out and my mom kept the house, one day my dad showed up at my mom's and asked if he could take me to the park near by, he just wanted to see me for a little bit. So we biked over to the park and I played, because that's what little kids do they forget what's going on in the real world when there is a whole playground in front of them. My dad sat there and watched and would smile at me but at one point I turned to see what he was doing and he was crying, he was actually sobbing his eyes out. I went over to him and hugged him, because he was my daddy and daddy's don't cry. He kept saying things that at the time made no sense to a 7 year old. But now when they play through my mind I get the chills all over. "Manda I love you, I'm so sorry I did this, I'm sorry I put your mom through this, some day you'll understand, someday you'll get it, I don't know why I did it, I love you, I love your mom, I am so sorry Manda." At the time I thought 'it' was just them getting a divorce, later to find out it was the cheating, drugs and alcohol consumption that tore them apart.

This entire situation has shaped my entire life. It has made me weak and yet so strong. I do lack trust when it's needed but I can't help that. I can't just throw my heart out there to anyone because my dad, the man who is supposed to be there for me, betrayed me and my mom more then anyone has yet to do. I love the man I thought he was. I love the man who would watch packer games with me, and Disney movies. The man who would take me to really neat parks and hiking trails. The man who held me when I cried my eyes out, because that's what dad's do. I love that man that he could be. But the man he truly is, I hate. When people ask about my dad I simply say, I don't have one. They always think right away he must have died and in a way they are totally correct in that thought, he is killing himself slowly. And in my heart he is dead because I do not know the man he is, and the man he was to me is a lie and a fake. I have a mother who has undoubtedly been there for me in every step of my life, I would not trade my life for anyone else's.